“If I don’t please people, I might die.”
That sounds extreme, but when we dig deep enough into people-pleasing patterns, often this is where we end up. This deep-seated belief is often completely unconscious. This means that the person is not consciously thinking they will die if they say ‘no’ or if they stand up for themselves. However, their body and subconscious mind are automatically reacting with survival responses of fight, flight, or freeze which may manifest as: extreme fear, anxiety, shaking, paralysis, constriction in the throat or chest, tightness in the stomach, nausea, etc.
Here is an example: A 32 year old woman is literally and physically unable to say ‘no’ or is unable to stand up to people around certain issues that feel disrespectful or outright abusive to her or her children. She literally feels “frozen” when confronted with these situations.
Here is an example of what is happening subconsciously.
In hypnotherapy sessions, when we dig into the root of where certain patterns began, people often end up in childhood. When under hypnosis, in a very resourced state, I might ask the client to go back to the beginning of where this pattern started or where it was anchored in.
The client may go to the 4 year old self (or any age) where she was perhaps getting yelled at, shamed, punished, or even abused for making a mistake, for expressing herself, or for saying ‘no.’
When I ask that child self what the beliefs were (after having any emotional releases that need to be expressed), she may say something like:
“I am bad. I am stupid. I can’t do it right.”
From here, we may drill down even further, which may unfold something like this:
Me: If you are bad or stupid, then what might happen?
Client: Then I will get in trouble. I will get punished.
Me: Then what might happen?
Client: Then I will be unloved.
Me: Then what might happen?
Client: Then I will be all alone.
Me: Then what might happen?
Client: Then I might die.
Boom, that is often the bottom. This little vulnerable child self learned that if I mess up or make a mistake or say no or don’t please the adults in my life, then I literally might die. This is how deeply ingrained some of these patterns may be for people. It is literally a survival mechanism.
When we grow up, these beliefs and patterns do not just “turn off.” They continue and are alive and well within us, until we do something to shift or heal them.
When the 32 year old woman tries to stand up for herself, it is the deeply ingrained subconscious pattern (and the terrified inner 4 yr old) that is playing out and driving the behavior, and that is far more powerful than her conscious mind wanting to say ‘no.’
The good news: This can all be healed by reconciling this with the child-self parts of us that took on these beliefs and patterns out of sheer survival.
This work can be extremely healing and it creates such huge shifts in people’s lives.
It has for me and many people whom I know and work with.
Keep in mind, it is hard (if not impossible) for our conscious minds to get this deep into the core of our beliefs, patterns, and nervous system dysregulation. We need to access the subconsious layers by getting into the deeper brainwave states (such as theta brainwaves). There are many techniques to do this. I just happen to love hypnotherapy as a very safe and therapeutic modality for this work. Please note, not all hypnosis / hypnotherapy goes this deep and not all hypnotists / hypnotherapists are properly trained to do inner child work, trauma work, or how to recognize shock (i.e., fight/flight/freeze) and how to treat it in the moment.
If you are interested in this work as a client and/or as a practitioner, please look into any of our services or programs:
- Personal hypnotherapy sessions
- Virtual retreats
- In-person retreats
- Inner child workshops
- Hypnotherapy training for clinicians and healers
Liz Burkholder, PMHNP, FNP
1/15/22