“If I don’t please people, I might die.”

Posted on January 15, 2022 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com

“If I don’t please people, I might die.”

That sounds extreme, but when we dig deep enough into people-pleasing patterns, often this is where we end up. This deep-seated belief is often completely unconscious. This means that the person is not consciously thinking they will die if they say ‘no’ or if they stand up for themselves. However, their body and subconscious mind are automatically reacting with survival responses of fight, flight, or freeze which may manifest as: extreme fear, anxiety, shaking, paralysis, constriction in the throat or chest, tightness in the stomach, nausea, etc.

Here is an example: A 32 year old woman is literally and physically unable to say ‘no’ or is unable to stand up to people around certain issues that feel disrespectful or outright abusive to her or her children. She literally feels “frozen” when confronted with these situations.

Here is an example of what is happening subconsciously.  

In hypnotherapy sessions, when we dig into the root of where certain patterns began, people often end up in childhood. When under hypnosis, in a very resourced state, I might ask the client to go back to the beginning of where this pattern started or where it was anchored in.

The client may go to the 4 year old self (or any age) where she was perhaps getting yelled at, shamed, punished, or even abused for making a mistake, for expressing herself, or for saying ‘no.’ 

When I ask that child self what the beliefs were (after having any emotional releases that need to be expressed), she may say something like:

“I am bad. I am stupid. I can’t do it right.” 

From here, we may drill down even further, which may unfold something like this:

Me: If you are bad or stupid, then what might happen?

Client: Then I will get in trouble. I will get punished.

Me: Then what might happen?

Client: Then I will be unloved.

Me: Then what might happen?

Client: Then I will be all alone.

Me: Then what might happen?

Client: Then I might die.

Boom, that is often the bottom. This little vulnerable child self learned that if I mess up or make a mistake or say no or don’t please the adults in my life, then I literally might die. This is how deeply ingrained some of these patterns may be for people. It is literally a survival mechanism. 

When we grow up, these beliefs and patterns do not just “turn off.” They continue and are alive and well within us, until we do something to shift or heal them.

When the 32 year old woman tries to stand up for herself, it is the deeply ingrained subconscious pattern (and the terrified inner 4 yr old) that is playing out and driving the behavior, and that is far more powerful than her conscious mind wanting to say ‘no.’

The good news: This can all be healed by reconciling this with the child-self parts of us that took on these beliefs and patterns out of sheer survival. 

This work can be extremely healing and it creates such huge shifts in people’s lives. 

It has for me and many people whom I know and work with.

Keep in mind, it is hard (if not impossible) for our conscious minds to get this deep into the core of our beliefs, patterns, and nervous system dysregulation. We need to access the subconsious layers by getting into the deeper brainwave states (such as theta brainwaves). There are many techniques to do this. I just happen to love hypnotherapy as a very safe and therapeutic modality for this work. Please note, not all hypnosis / hypnotherapy goes this deep and not all hypnotists / hypnotherapists are properly trained to do inner child work, trauma work, or how to recognize shock (i.e., fight/flight/freeze) and how to treat it in the moment.

If you are interested in this work as a client and/or as a practitioner, please look into any of our services or programs:

  • Personal hypnotherapy sessions
  • Virtual retreats
  • In-person retreats
  • Inner child workshops
  • Hypnotherapy training for clinicians and healers

Liz Burkholder, PMHNP, FNP

1/15/22

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Trauma Translated into Subconscious Beliefs & Behaviors

Posted on December 10, 2020 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com

People often ask me why we would want to go back and process painful things from childhood that are already “in the past.” My answer is usually something along the lines of, “Because they are still showing up in our lives every single day in our self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors.”

In the type of transpersonal and trauma focused hypnotherapy that I do, clients are able to hone into the exact situations in which their deeply rooted self-limiting beliefs were formed, most of which often began in early childhood, and to heal them at the place in which they were created.

Clients are always fascinated at the realization of just how significant certain situations were for them and how deeply impacted they were by them (and still are in adulthood!). They are usually amazed to see so clearly how these beliefs and behaviors have played out as patterns in their lives.  (There is also a lot of emotional processing, energetic release work, and inner child work in these sessions, (as well as spiritual work for some) which further helps to resolve/release/restore/heal these beliefs and events). 

Of course, these beliefs and behaviors were formed as a way of survival, so they were actually brilliant survival mechanisms at one time. The problem is that as we get older, they actually become detrimental to us and may block our connection (to ourselves and others), our joy, our peace, our self-love, our abundance, our purpose, and more. These unprocessed situations may also manifest as physical, mental, and emotional ailments or dis-ease. 

These programmed beliefs and subsequent behaviors are deeply embedded, so much so, that people are often completely unconscious (unaware) of them. 

These limiting beliefs and the behaviors may show up as extremes in our lives. 

The underlying, and often unconscious, thoughts related to these painful situations become strong core beliefs that follow throughout adulthood.

After doing hundreds of these sessions, these are some of the main distorted core beliefs that show up:

  • I am unworthy.
  • I am unlovable.
  • I am bad.
  • I am not good enough.
  • I am not heard.
  • I am not seen.
  • I don’t matter.
  • My thoughts and feelings don’t matter.
  • I am all alone. No one cares about me.
  • I have to please others (and suppress my true self) in order to be loved and accepted.

These beliefs get translated and manifested as some of the following, often unconscious, behaviors and patterns throughout life as extremes or “two sides of the same coin.”

Belief: I don’t matter. 

Behavior: I’ll just continue to allow people (including myself) to treat me badly

OR 

I’ll just treat everyone else badly.

—————

Belief: I’m helpless.

Behavior: I’ll just allow and expect everyone else to save and rescue me 

OR 

I’ll fix it by saving and rescuing everyone else (siblings, parents, friends, significant others, clients).

————–

Belief: I am not heard. My voice doesn’t matter.

Behavior: I won’t use my voice and I won’t speak up

OR 

I will be really loud and disruptive so that someone/everyone will hear me.

—————

Belief: I am not seen.

Behavior: I will hide myself and won’t allow myself to be noticed

OR

I will overcompensate and beg for attention and to be noticed by going to extremes or by “stepping” on others.

————–

Belief: My boundaries do not matter. I don’t even know what healthy boundaries are.

Behavior: I’ll have boundaries that are too strict (allowing no one in; allowing no one any slack) 

OR

I’ll have boundaries that are too loose (allowing everyone and everything in). 

—————

Belief: My body is not mine. I am not safe in my body.

Behavior: I will dissociate from my body. I will not respect or take care of my body.

OR

I will obsess about my body and expect it to be perfect; otherwise, I am not worthy.

—————

Belief: I am bad.

Behavior: I’ll just BE bad 

OR 

I’ll be so good that I am accepted/liked/approved of. 

—————

Belief: I can’t trust anyone.

Behavior: I’ll just rely on myself and do everything myself without asking for help (i.e., ultra-independence)

OR

I will allow people in a little bit, but I will abandon them or push them away before they have a chance to hurt or abandon me. 

—————

Belief: I have no control in my life.

Behavior: I’ll allow myself to be controlled 

OR 

I can fix this by trying to control everyone and everything around me. 

—————

Belief: I’m all alone.

Behavior: I’ll just isolate myself and not let anyone get close to me 

OR 

I’ll constantly seek to be with another, never allowing myself to be comfortable alone. 

—————

Belief: I am nothing.

Behavior: I’ll just give up and never try 

OR 

I’ll over-strive and push so hard for achievement and approval to prove that I am something.

—————

Belief: I am unworthy. 

Behavior: I won’t allow myself to receive (happiness, love, joy, money, abundance, respect, health, etc)

OR 

Everyone else owes me and is responsible for my happiness, love, joy, money, abundance, respect, health, etc. 

—————

Belief: No one cares about me.

Behavior: I’ll allow people (including myself) to destroy me 

OR 

I’ll destroy everyone and everything (including myself) in my path. 

—————

Belief: I am a victim and deserving of this treatment. It is somehow my fault. 

Behavior: I’ll just re-enact and inflict my rage and pain onto others 

OR 

I will excessively seek to save and rescue others from their pain (to the detriment of myself) instead of dealing with my own pain. 

—————

Belief: Love is painful and love hurts.

Behavior: I’ll won’t allow anyone in 

OR 

I will allow others to treat me badly because this is the standard and there is nothing better. 

—————

Belief: It is not safe to feel or express my emotions.

Behavior: I will stuff down all of my emotions and hold them in

OR

I will overreact and lash out at everyone.

The very good news is that it is never, ever too late to heal this faulty programming (where it began) and these “lies” that have been programmed in. It is never too late to reclaim yourself, your life, your peace, and your joy.

Transpersonal and Trauma Focused Hypnotherapy is one modality which helps to do exactly this and the outcomes are phenomenal. People often report massive changes in their lives after these sessions.

Liz Burkholder, NP

Nurse Practitioner, Hypnotherapist, Trauma Specialist, Intuitive

Burkholder Wellness & Charlotte Hypnotherapy Institute

12/9/20

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10 Ways To Incorporate Consciousness and Healing Into Everyday Life

Posted on November 7, 2019 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com

1. Breathe: Slowly, Deeply. Whenever you think about it. And especially whenever you feel any overwhelming emotions, or even when you feel zero emotions (numbness) or feel “paralyzed.” This brings you back into the present moment and back into your body. This also sends a signal of safety to your nervous system.


2. Ground yourself: Feel your feet on the floor. Wiggle your toes. Rub your feet on the floor. Close your eyes and imagine your bare feet on the ground. Actually get your bare feet onto the earth itself. List 3 things you can see in the moment. This also brings you back into the present moment and back into your body.


3. “Bookmark” any triggers (unpleasant feelings/emotions) that may arise throughout the day to process and release later, either when alone or with a trusted trauma therapist/guide/coach, etc.


4. Repeat mantas or affirmations throughout the day, that resonate in the moment to bring some sense of comfort or relief. Some examples: I am peaceful. I am relaxed. I am safe. I am safe to feel my feelings. I am healing. I have the tools within to heal myself, even when I feel that I don’t. I have all that I need inside of me. I am worthy. I am enough. I am free. I release fear and unworthiness.


5. Keep bringing yourself back to the present moment, over and over again. Have a mantra for this such as: I am present. I am connected. Be here now. (Except when processing and releasing past experiences and emotions, and even then you can learn to be present with the emotions and to release them without dissociating from them or further repressing them).


6. Practice setting healthy boundaries with others around your time and energy. Start with small things such as saying “no” to something you don’t want to do or saying “yes” to something you do want to do. This is a skill that can be cultivated (all of these things are actually).


7. Connect with your inner child: Close your eyes. Take several deep breaths. Allow your inner child to come into your vision or your mind’s eye. Picture how he/she looks, what he/she is wearing, what he/she is feeling, etc. Give him/her whatever he/she needs in the moment to feel love and connection. Extend nurturing and words of affirmation to know he/she is safe, loved, worthy, etc.


8. Practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness. Practice immediately forgiving yourself when you make mistakes. Extend yourself grace and compassion for always doing the best you can with whatever resources and level of consciousness you have in the moment.

 
9. Commit to becoming more and more conscious everyday and be willing to do the work to heal your emotional wounds.

10. Find small ways to incorporate self-care: (Hint: All of the above practices are self care techniques). This may also include things such as drinking more water, doing more conscious movement/physical activity, eating nutritious foods, getting good restorative sleep, resting when tired, taking a warm bath/shower to relax the mind and body, etc.

There are SO MANY more things to add to this list and they can be as simple or as deep as you want. The point is that you can continuously find ways to incorporate more consciousness and healing into your daily life. The more you do these things, the more you literally rewrite the subconscious programming and rewire the nervous system, creating new neural pathways and new ways of being in the world.

It is also important to process past traumatic experiences and repressed emotions, to release these. Otherwise, they can keep coming up again and again, playing out in the same/similar scenarios in your life until you decide to go in and heal them at the root.

If you would like to schedule hypnotherapy sessions to help process any of these deeper issues, please contact me for either in-person or videoconferencing sessions per below-

Email: info@burkholderwellness.com / Office phone: 980-428-6070

Follow me on Instagram: @burkholderwellness and on Facebook: Burkholder Wellness.

MUCH HEALING AND LIGHT TO ALL!

Liz Burkholder, NP (Nurse Practitioner, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Trauma Specialist)

11.7.19

Burkholder Wellness, PLLC

11230 Carmel Commons Blvd, Suite 106, Charlotte, NC 28226

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Shallow Breathing and Breath-Holding are Trauma Responses

Posted on August 10, 2019 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com

Shallow breathing and holding your breath are trauma responses. 
When you’ve experienced traumatic events, ways to live through them are to either breathe really shallow (which is a “fight or flight” sympathetic shock response) AND/OR to stop breathing and disconnect from your body all together (which is a “freeze” parasympathetic shock response). Your body and nervous system get “stuck” in these shock states (often oscillating between the two) and are always on the lookout for danger.

Start sending your brain and nervous system a regular “signal of safety” by taking slow, deep, conscious breaths throughout the day. Want to exponentiate the effect? Add an intention/affirmation to it such as, “I am safe and filled with peace.” This will slowly help to “re-program” your nervous system to its natural, calm, relaxed state.

Liz Burkholder, NP

Originally posted on my social media (FB & IG) on 8/6/19

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Relationship with Yourself

Posted on August 1, 2019 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com

Your relationship with yourself is THE MOST important relationship you will ever have on this planet. 
That relationship is the basis for EVERY other relationship you will ever have: those with your significant other, with your family, with your children, with your friends, with your coworkers, and even with your spiritual connection (aka God/Universe).
We project what’s inside ourselves onto the outside world. 

We attract the people/situations/experiences that we believe deep down we deserve. 
We model for our children how to either love themselves, or more often, how to NOT love themselves, because we do not know how to truly love ourselves. 

Most of us (I would even say ALL of us) are hyper-critical of ourselves and have deep-seated, limiting beliefs (sometimes completely hidden from our conscious awareness, sometimes not) about ourselves such as:

I’m not good enough.
I’m not worthy.
I’m not lovable.
I have to suffer.
I don’t deserve better (health, love, money, career, friendships, surroundings, etc).

It’s the human condition. It’s the ego self.
There is not one person on this planet who has not been hurt, who has not experienced pain, who has not felt worthless, who has not felt like a “nothing” or a “nobody” at some point in their lives, and most likely more than once, and even more likely: on a very consistent basis. Not even one. 

Of course there are varying degrees of pain that people experience, but the bottom line is that we have all experienced it and the resulting self-sabotaging beliefs that come with it…and often the transformation that also comes with it. It’s what we do with that pain that differentiates us. Some choose to turn their pain into their poison and some choose to turn their pain into their power. 

If a person denies their pain, it’s because they are either lying in an attempt to “hide” (even from themselves) or because it isn’t even in their conscious awareness, meaning it’s hidden deep in the recesses of their subconscious mind. Which basically means they aren’t ready to face it or to heal it.

I believe that part of why we come here is to learn to love and accept ourselves unconditionally, so that we can more freely love and accept others unconditionally.

If everyone did their own work to heal their inner wounds, what an amazing world this would be. 
There would be less hate and less pain inflicted upon others, because we wouldn’t be projecting our own self-hatred and repressed pain onto everyone else.
Start with YOU. Start where you are. Start today. 

If you want to change the world, the best place to start is with yourself. 🙏🏼

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today, I am wise so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

Liz Burkholder, NP (originally posted on Facebook on 8.1.18)

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Working “Harder” Can Actually Make Us LESS Productive: When Survival Mechanisms Become Detrimental

Posted on May 24, 2019 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com

Today is Friday and I took the entire day off and I have NOTHING scheduled on my agenda. This is a day for ME and a day to do just whatever I choose to do or not do today. I do this regularly now, but not usually on a Friday, so this feels extra special. This actually inspired me to write this post, which is what I would call “inspired action” versus just “productive action.” It is often in these moments of rest and relaxation that we have the greatest ideas and inspirations. This is because we are actually taking the time to “hear” our innate wisdom and to listen to our “soul.”

When was the last time you took a day off during the week? Or took a day for yourself to rest or to recuperate or to de-stress or to have fun or to just BE without any demands or pressures?

I no longer subscribe to the idea that you have to work harder/faster/nonstop in order to be/do/have things in life (i.e., happiness and success – which are defined differently by everyone anyway). Research shows that this actually makes us LESS productive!

This creates not only a negative psychological effect on us, but a negative physiological effect on us. The more we are “on” all the time and the more stressed we become, the less productive we become and the unhealthier we become – physically, mentally, and emotionally. Here is the short version of how stress becomes disease in our bodies:

Our brains become overwhelmed and overloaded, contributing to symptoms of inattention, forgetfulness, inability to focus, inability to think clearly (aka brain fog), etc. Our bodies get overwhelmed and overloaded, contributing to a cascade effect of over-compensating mechanisms. Our adrenal glands work overtime to secrete cortisol (the stress hormone) to keep up with the demands of stress (until they can no longer keep up, creating more issues). This increased cortisol creates a cascade effect in our body, affecting every other hormone (i.e., thyroid hormones, sex hormones such estrogen, progesterone, testosterone) and every other chemical (i.e., neurotransmitters such serotonin, norepinephrine, acetylcholine) causing multi-system imbalance in the body. Furthermore, this creates a cascade of inflammatory reactions and releasing of cytokines, which create chronic inflammation in the body. We know that chronic inflammation in the body is a precursor to and underlies many chronic diseases. This dysregulation also breaks down our immune system, which is there to help ward off disease and illness. The bad new: Chronic exposure to stress and these dysregulated mechanisms creates dis-ease and illness in the body. The good news: THE BODY CAN RESTORE AND HEAL ITSELF given the right environment.

We have to take the time to allow our body to rest and recover. Otherwise, it breaks down. It’s similar to a car. If we continue to run our car without proper service and maintenance, it will break down much faster. And our bodies are much more complex and intricate, not to mention miraculous, than cars. If we are constantly stressed and in a “fight or flight” mode, our bodies are unable to sustain health and wellness.

This mentality of “work harder” served me very well in my early life. It was once a survival mechanism that was extremely useful and helped propel me out of trauma/poverty/un-education/perceived unworthiness, etc and it helped bring me to a place of “incredible-ness” in my life on so many levels. It was a great advantage to me and I am grateful for the development of this “shadow” early in my life.

However, my once-effective survival mechanism began to break me down, began to cause detriment to myself, to my body, to my health, to my family, to my relationships, and to my life. I was a freight train headed nowhere fast. I was over-working myself, which negatively affected every other area of my life. I started having health issues that I had never had before. I wasn’t enjoying my job, my husband, my kids, or my life. I was stressed and working all the time and I started having depression and worsening anxiety, despite all of the amazing things I had in my life (two beautiful and healthy children, a great husband, a wonderful career, my own business/private practice helping others, etc).

I realized and became aware through my own hypnotherapy sessions, that these same “skills” I had learned early-on as a means of survival, were now quite literally killing me. This was a huge wake-up call for me. I started scaling back and removing everything that was blocking my own health, peace, and happiness I took my life back. I had to double down on healing techniques and modalities to get myself back “healthy” and thriving again. It has been almost 2 years since this huge shift in my life and things are so much better. I am so much less stressed, I’m healthier, and I’m enjoying life again. I now check in with myself and my own inner wisdom before committing to things. I choose to do only those things which align with my soul and my purpose…things that come from inspired action and not just a need to be “productive.”

Does this mean my life is perfect? Absolutely not. No one’s life is. I believe that we are always learning and growing and that a thriving or “happy” life is one that is a delicate oscillation between peace/contentment/stillness and aspiration/growth/expansion. Meaning, we have to learn to be quiet and still and in that stillness, we will find our inspired actions to consistently move onward and upward. That means regularly re-evaluating our beliefs, our habits, and our behaviors and then making the necessary changes to accommodate where we are in the present moment.

In order to truly thrive (which is what I now seek) and not just survive, we have to undergo change, growth, and expansion into the new. We have to learn to bring our shadows into our conscious awareness, so that we can shift these underlying behaviors, which can eventually become self-sabotaging. Here’s a quick definition of a shadow part: A shadow part is a part of us which develops out of a necessity for protection and survival. It is often a part of us which we may not even “see” consciously, hence the name “shadow,” but others can often see it. Some of my early shadows that developed in my childhood were: the rebel or the bad girl, then the striver or the over-achiever, the isolater or the commitment-phobe, the quiet girl and later, the loud and crazy girl. There are others, as we often have many shadow parts develop in childhood.

We have a process in Heart-Centered Hypnotherapy where we thank our shadow parts for protecting us and we make statements about which aspects of those shadows we choose to keep and which parts we choose to release. Here are my statements about my “striver” and my “over-achiever” shadow:

What I am grateful for: I am so grateful for the motivation and the internal drive that you gave me and everything I have been able to accomplish because of it. What I choose to keep: The part that makes me want to continue learning, growing, and expanding into the highest version of myself. What I choose to release: The part that makes me feel like I have to always be working, striving, achieving, to the point that it gets in the way of me actually enjoying myself, my family, and my life.

Cheers to those who are transforming and re-inventing themselves to become a higher version of themselves and not just doing things the same way simply because that’s the way it has always been! That is really no excuse to remain the same. Grow. Expand. Ascend.

Aligned is the new hustle. De-stressed is the new success.

PS: If you would like to do virtual sessions to help bring your shadows into the light and to shift them, contact me at info@burkholderwellness or 980-428-6070.

Liz Burkholder, FNP / Burkholder Wellness

Nurse Practitioner / Clinical Hypnotherapist

5.24.19

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Divine Appointments

Posted on May 10, 2019 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com

I listened to such an amazing talk yesterday by Dr. Barbara De Angelis, who was one of the pioneers in “consciousness” teaching. She did talks with other pioneers like Dr. Wayne Dyer (who was an early teacher for me) and Louise Hay (whom I didn’t really discover til later).


I had read one of Barbara’s relationship books, “Are You the One for Me?” years ago, when I was in my early 20s and seeking to learn about healthy relationships and how to have them. That book was phenomenal and very impactful for me at that time in my life. Like many of us, I grew up not knowing what a healthy relationship even looked like, but I wanted to learn. I hadn’t had a very good track record and I wanted to change that (which involved LOTS of self-reflection and inner work).


Anyway, I had recently started to wonder whatever happened to Barbara De Angelis. So when I saw that she had a talk on the “Heal Your Life Summit” I had to listen. Apparently, she’s had some amazing growth and experiences over the last 20 years and she’s even more phenomenal now than she was back then.

Her talk, “Showing Up for Your Divine Appointment,” spoke to my soul and to my core. It was so powerful. I almost wish everyone could listen to it, but I know that it’s not for everyone.


She talked about how when we transform ourselves, we transform the world. And she spoke of the quote that says, “Our own self-realization is the greatest service we can render the world,” by Ramana Maharshi.


She talked about how when we are seeking to better ourselves, to heal ourselves, to look inward at ourselves, to make ourselves a better human being, we are living in a place of very high consciousness.


She talked about how when a human being starts to have even the thought of awakening, a cosmic event has already taken place. There has already been a major shift on the soul level. She says that actually waking up and realizing that we have been asleep is the hardest part. The rest is “sailing” (although it definitely doesn’t feel like it at times in this physical realm!). And that, sure, we still have to do some tweaking and polishing of the diamond, but we have already set into motion what we had promised to come here to do.

She talked about how once we start waking up, we have kept our promise to come here and to remember who we are and to stop living as who we are not. We have kept our promise to begin to live with more compassion, more heart, more presence, and more service, and to help others awaken. We have kept our divine appointment with our highest self. To those who have kept your divine appointment, I commend you greatly. You know who you are.

Liz Burkholder, NP

Burkholder Wellness

5.9.19

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Breathing Technique to Halt Anxiety

Posted on April 30, 2019 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com
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Is Anxiety Reversible? Anxiety Video #1

Posted on April 18, 2019 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com
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What is the victim triangle and am I in it? (Part 1)

Posted on April 13, 2019 by lizburkholderFNP@yahoo.com

One of the theoretical tools I use a lot in my private practice, and even in my own personal life, is the one of the “victim triangle.” What is the victim triangle you might ask? Well, let me tell you, it can be very insidious and complex and it runs deep in dysfunctional families. However, its principles are fairly easy to understand and can be used as a guide to help lead us out of our “victim mentality.”

While almost every family has some elements of dysfunctionality (I mean, we’re all human after all), many have deeply dysfunctional roots and these patterns are continued and passed down from generation to generation, until someone decides to break these patterns.

The victim triangle is often originally attributed to Karpman’s Drama Triangle. The victim triangle principles that I am trained in and that I use were further discovered and/or built upon by psychotherapist and founder of Heart-Centered Hypnotherapy®, Diane Zimberoff. She wrote a great book about this: “Breaking Free From the Victim Trap: Reclaiming Your Personal Power.”

The victim triangle consists of 3 different roles that we play: the victim, the rescuer, and the persecutor. The paradox is that underneath all of these roles, actually lies the “victim,” hence why it’s called the victim triangle. The victim just takes on the role of the rescuer or the persecutor at times. And one can switch back and forth between all 3 roles, and frequently. However, most people tend to “live” in one of these primary roles the majority of the time, or at least until their eyes are opened to their own victimhood and how they are keeping themselves in this triangle.

The bad news is that we can get sucked into this triangle in the blink of an eye, without even being consciously aware of it. Many of us are in this triangle everyday, all day. The good news is that we can learn to step out of these victim roles and into an empowered role, with persistent self-evaluation, self-awareness, self-healing, self-love, and self-care. And just like anything else in life, it becomes easier the more we do it.

A quick summary of the underlying, often subconscious, beliefs of each of these roles are:

The victim often thinks: “Poor me. Someone save me. Everything always happens to me. Everyone is against me. Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. Nobody cares about me. I’m nothing or nobody. Walk all over me.”
The victim often feels: Helpless, hopeless, powerless, oppressed, ashamed, inferior.

The rescuer often thinks: “Poor you. Let me help you. Let me save you. I can save you. I’ll enable you. I’ll put your needs before my own. I don’t have any needs. I take care of everyone else and their needs. I don’t even know what my needs are. Your needs are more important. Myself comes last. I’m a martyr. I’m only important if I’m helping or saving others. I’m only ok if you’re ok. Your mood and feelings determine my mood and feelings.” The rescuer is the classic codependent.
The rescuer often feels: Guilty when not helping or saving others, resentful because they’re always helping others with nothing in return (although they won’t allow anything in return), exhausted and depleted from giving so much of themselves away.

The persecutor often thinks: “It’s all your/his/her/their fault. I have to blame someone or something else.  I will hurt you before you can hurt me. I will control you. I will criticize you. I will lash out and be angry with you. I will talk down to you. I am authoritative. I am superior to you. I will oppress you.”
The persecutor often feels: Angry, rageful, slighted, pissed off, bitter, superior.

Remember underneath all 3 of these is actually a victim. The victim is just really stuck in the oppressed, victimized role. The rescuer is trying to rescue everyone else because underneath, he/she is actually the one (the victim) who needs to be rescued. The persecutor is so afraid of appearing “weak” or as what they really are (the victim) that he/she overcompensates in order to hide their own victimhood by making everyone else their victim.

Furthermore, underneath all of these roles, lies the perceived lack of power. This perceived lack of power was often created in childhood, when the person actually was a helpless victim with an actual lack of power at one time. More on this later.

I am really going to focus on the “rescuer” role here, just because this happens to be one of the biggest groups of people I see in my practice. And to be honest, in my opinion, I believe it is because the rescuers are typically the ones who are seeking help. The persecutors are often too busy blaming everyone else for their issues and problems. The victims are also often too busy blaming everyone else for their issues and problems. Neither of these two roles are very good at taking healthy self-responsibility or self-accountability, at least not until they become aware of the roles they are playing.

It is also the rescuers who often go into “helping” and “healing” fields because they are often, either consciously or subconsciously, seeking “help” and understanding for their own issues and they often have a strong drive to help others with the same or similar types of problems – which is a beautiful gesture. But remember, this driving need to help others often stems from a subconscious need to actually rescue oneself, but that gets projected onto everyone else. Helping others is a very noble and wonderful thing; however, with rescuing it becomes extremely unhealthy. The energy behind it becomes that of a compulsive drive to rescue or save others, even to the detriment of oneself, often putting oneself at the very bottom of the rung. It often becomes self-abuse because of the lack of self-care and self-love. There’s a difference in rescuing people and helping people, and that difference will become more clear as we dive into the victim triangle.

Stay tuned for more on the victim triangle…

In the meantime, start thinking about how you may reside in one of these as a main role, or how you could be switching between the 3. Hint: We all fall somewhere on this triangle either sometimes or the majority of the time. The good news again is that we can get out of this triangle and step into our own personal power.

Liz Burkholder, FNP

Burkholder Wellness

Family Nurse Practitioner, Advanced Clinical Hypnotherapist, Trauma Specialist

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