Mirrors and Projectors
Mirrors and projectors. That’s what we are. We project out into the world, and attract back, whatever it is that we feel/believe deep inside ourselves. Other people are just mirrors for what we’re projecting out. What we see in others (aka project onto others), is what we either see, or refuse to see (aka “shadows”) within ourselves, often completely unconsciously. Pay attention to the “triggers.” They are the guides to what we need to heal or resolve within ourselves.
What are Triggers?
I know that “trigger” is such a buzzword right now, but because it fits the description so well, I’m going to use it. Triggers are anything that causes an emotional response (e.g., hurt, anger, shame, guilt, sadness) within yourself. It could be a behavior that someone else does that annoys you, something someone else says that really bothers you, a situation that “stirs up” things inside you, something that happens that really angers or infuriates you, or even just another person’s “energy” that gives you a bad feeling. Anytime there’s an emotional response or feeling within, this is a signal that there is something inside yourself that needs resolution or healing. This is a very hard concept to grasp at first. In a culture where we have to blame someone or something for everything that happens, this is a hard pill to swallow. However, once you start looking at things in this way, and start healing some of the underlying wounds, it becomes easier and easier to do.
I’d also like to mention that NOT reacting to a trigger externally (e.g., lashing out, yelling, crying, cursing) does NOT mean that you may not be triggered. Feeling a response inside and ignoring it, pushing it down, or “stuffing it” away is still a trigger. This is an inside job. You have to get really real with yourself to do this work. You can attempt to lie, hide, and fool others (often they see it anyway), but when you attempt to lie, hide, and fool yourself; you’re doing yourself a terrible injustice. You’re actually prolonging the discomfort and keeping the triggers coming, because you continue to project it out into the world and the world keeps giving it back to you and showing it to you…over and over again. Thanks, mirrors!
Does this sound familiar? Do you keep attracting the same things, the same relationships, the same people, the same injustices, the same situations, the same problems, etc into your life? This is a huge clue. Perhaps it’s time to stop looking outward and blaming everyone/everything else and start looking inward. This isn’t easy work because it takes a lot of guts and courage to look at ourselves. Carl Jung summed this up nicely when he said, “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls. Your perception will become clear only when you can look into your soul.”
Your Triggers are Your Responsibility / Others’ Triggers are Their Responsibility
Another important piece to remember is that, your triggers are YOUR responsibility to clear and to heal. It’s NOT everyone else’s job to not trigger you. It’s your job to manage your own triggers.
Your triggers may be caused by someone else, or at least that’s what we think in the moment, but they actually come from a much deeper place within. They’re usually tied to a completely different person or a different situation, somewhere in the distant past, very often in childhood. And just because you may have been a victim of someone or something at some point, that is no excuse to remain a victim forever. Your wounds were probably caused by someone else and they were definitely not your fault. However, it is your responsibility to heal them. Otherwise, you choose to remain a victim. And yes, it’s a choice, perhaps an unconscious one, but a choice nonetheless.
These woundings can of course be healed at your own pace and however you see fit, whenever you are ready, if ever…or never even. If you’re never ready, that’s ok too. Just know that you will continue to be triggered by the same things/behaviors/situations/people over and over again until you clear them.
It’s ultimately your job to heal your own triggers. Giving that power to someone else keeps you in the victim role. And it gives them control over you.
Taking responsibility for your own feelings and emotions keeps you empowered and 100% in control of yourself, your emotions, your feelings, your actions, your reactions, and your LIFE. And in the end, we are only responsible for ourselves and our own healing.
On the flip side of this concept: It’s not YOUR responsibility to manage anyone else’s triggers. If you are triggering someone else, that’s THEIR issue to be resolved and their responsibility to heal it. It’s not your job to change, to shift, or to accommodate them to keep from triggering them. Of course this doesn’t give you an excuse to be nasty, unkind, or hateful either. Otherwise, you’re just returning the favor and projecting your stuff back onto them, thus continuing the mirror/projection cycle. If you’re in a relationship with another person (friendship, significant other, etc), there is a level of responsibility and respect needed to openly talk about and discuss these issues and to find ways to set and uphold boundaries around each other and each other’s triggers. It’s just not your responsibility to “fix” whatever it is you’re triggering for them. Only they can do that.
Triggers Are Gifts
Usually, after healing takes place, we can see things from a higher perspective and can actually see these trigger people and situations as “gifts.” They are gifts into our unconsciousness that allow for healing the broken and wounded parts of ourselves. Things have to be brought into the light to be healed. We can’t heal what we can’t see. I like to think of triggers as flashlights into our own darkness. Another great Carl Jung quote applies here: “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
One really good example of this in my own life is a former dysfunctional, volatile, and tumultuous relationship that I was stuck in for several years in my twenties. For a long time, I was a “victim” (not consciously aware that I was choosing to be a victim at that time, of course) of this unhealthy relationship and his actions and his words. I would blame him for everything (aka I projected all over him). I did slowly begin to see that he was bringing up things within myself that needed healing such as: commitment issues, abandonment issues, trust issues, communication issues (the list goes on). That relationship brought up all kinds of “stuff” to the surface that I needed to heal and when I could finally SEE that, I could begin to heal those things within myself.
After finally removing myself from that relationship and as I began healing those things within myself, I could see clearly my part as an active participant in it and I could actually see how much I had also hurt him and the awful things I did back to him. It’s true that “It takes two to tango!” I could then see that my secondary gains from remaining in that relationship were that I never had to fully commit, I didn’t have to fully trust another, and I didn’t have to be truly intimate with someone else or let them really get to know me for fear of rejection; all of the things which terrified me. And If I didn’t have to do those things, then I wouldn’t have to suffer when he did leave me or abandon me or let me down. The irony is that I was still suffering and the things that scared me the most, were the things I was attracting anyway. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy until we heal the wounds. Had I not done that inner work, I would have just attracted another relationship with the same issues, just acting it out with a different person. And so continues the cycle.
Today I see the amazing gifts of that relationship. I am super grateful for it and all that I learned and healed from it. I am so thankful for him shining a light onto the wounds that needed healing. I forgive him and myself for all of the hurt and pain we caused each other. I wish nothing but happiness and healing for him and I hope he was able to heal some of his own wounds that I mirrored for him.
How Do We Do This Thing?
So how do we do this thing, looking into ourselves and into our soul and healing our wounds? I believe there are countless ways and modalities to do this and even plenty of people (therapists, guides, healers, etc) out there who can help guide you in this process. I do know that one method I personally prefer, and offer to clients myself, is Heart-Centered Hypnotherapy, which is a modality developed over 30 years ago by psychotherapist and founder of The Wellness Institute, Diane Zimberoff. These hypnotherapists are usually very skilled at guiding people through this process and finding exactly where the wounds are and healing them at the root, along with the subsequent distorted, self-defeating beliefs and behaviors. This type of therapy includes many incredible, life-shifting therapeutic aspects, including: digging into the subconscious mind to find and heal the original wounds, pulling out the repressed emotions and releasing them, reclaiming lost parts of ourselves (e.g., our voice, our power, our confidence, our trust), releasing and reframing self-defeating beliefs and behaviors, and deep inner child healing. It encompasses the whole self and works on healing the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of the self.
Another reason that I love heart-centered hypnotherapy and what makes it particularly unique is that these hypnotherapists have undergone their own hypnotherapy work in order to clear their own issues, to effectively help others with theirs. There’s that mirror and projection thing again. If a therapist hasn’t worked on his/her own “insert issues here” then they can’t help clients with those same said issues. For instance, if a therapist isn’t comfortable with expressing and feeling his/her own emotions (and most people in our society aren’t), he/she will shut down a client who starts to express emotions and may try to divert them from feeling them; when the key is to actually feel the emotions to release them. I say it all the time, “You have to feel to heal.” Stuffing emotions down only prolongs the issues and makes them bigger. Other examples are codependency, traumas, commitment issues, sexual abuse, or trust issues, etc (the list goes on and on). If a therapist hasn’t dealt with his/her own codependency, traumas, commitment issues, sexual abuse, or trust issues, they can’t sufficiently help others with those same things. The therapist will completely bypass these issues because it triggers the therapist and makes him/her uncomfortable.
Furthermore, because I am a heart-centered hypnotherapist, I know firsthand that it works. It’s working for me, it’s working for my colleagues who are doing the training alongside me, and it’s working for countless clients with whom I (and my colleagues) have worked with.
What do you do if you don’t know or can’t afford a heart-centered hypnotherapist or if this just doesn’t sound like something you’d want to do? You start where you are. The key is to find someone or something that works for YOU. There are countless, affordable resources out there (books, YouTube videos, websites, programs, etc), not to mention countless teachers, healers, therapists, coaches, etc who can help you move forward in your healing. Seek and you shall find. Just do something. (Stay tuned for online and in-person classes and workshops from me to assist in this process).
The other really important thing to do is to listen to your gut (aka your intuition)! If something feels right, it’s probably your route. If it feels wrong, it’s probably not your route or at least not right now. Also, the best teachers/ healers/ therapists/ coaches are the ones who guide you into yourself, who assist you into listening to and trusting your own inner wisdom and guidance, and who ultimately lead you into becoming your own healer. After all, we do truly hold everything we ever need inside ourselves. We just have to learn to hear it, to listen to it, and to trust it. And we have to have the courage to go there.
Much love and healing to all,
Liz Burkholder, FNP, CHT (Burkholder Wellness)
Family Nurse Practitioner
Certified Clinical Heart-Centered Hypnotherapist
9/20/18